Thursday, October 13

Essay Entitled "Cheese"

Author's Note: the following is not intended to be taken literally, seriously, etc. Any of those who take this literally, seriously, etc. will deserve any embarrassment that follows from taking this post literally, seriously, etc.

Cheese - which, by all counts originated on the Moon - comes in five common variations: stinky, slimy, melty, tasty, and rubbish. These variations often intersect in curious ways; for example, tofu. Not only is tofu stinky, slimy (if expired which is nearly impossible as will be stated below), and rubbish, it also falls under a sixth rather common category: it's old. Not aged. Old. No offense to you tofu eaters out there, but I prefer not to eat something with a shelf life of 3,718 years, 23 days, and 46 minutes. Nope.
The usefulness of cheese is also much debated in our day. In a study conducted by Pratt and Tooley, the most common (historical) use of cheese was not for culinary purposes. It was for mousetraps. If one were to intensely research the agricultural history of Ancient Egypt, one would find (two or more would find the same, just quicker) that mouse / rat infestations were prevalent. 
"They did have cats, you know," you say. This is true and false; allow me to explain. They had felines, but the social role of the cat was drastically different than it is today.
The goddess Bastet was thought to take the form of a cat. As such, it was illegal to kill a cat (presumably for two reasons: 1) you couldn't know if Bastet was the cat you're killing and 2) Bastet clearly liked cats. Either way it probably wasn't a good idea to get Bastet angry because 1) she's female, 2) she's a goddess, and 3) she controls cats. Nuff said.)
In light of this, the Ancient Egyptians decided to invent a mouse-catching machine so that the cats could do whatever cats do when they're not catching mice . . . Sleep, I guess. Hence the most popular use of cheese was born!

Thanks to Caroline for the suggestion of this topic, "cheese". You can read her blog here.