Senioritis

This is a Public Service Announcement.

Many college students suffer from senioritis.

This debilitating illness has many symptoms, but the most common are fidgeting in class, daydreaming while having purposed to finish homework, boredom, and itchy, watery eyes that mimic the symptoms of spring fever. 

Senioritis doesn't only affect those in their fourth year of college: it can affect those as fresh and new as those in their first year.

But this doesn't have to be your reality.

To counteract the symptoms, pop in a classic Disney movie. 

Take them bowling.

Feed them.

Offer any and all distractions.

They'll know instinctively when it is time to return to the grind.

Senioritis is real.

Don't let it be you. 

Essay Entitled "Cheese"

Author's Note: the following is not intended to be taken literally, seriously, etc. Any of those who take this literally, seriously, etc. will deserve any embarrassment that follows from taking this post literally, seriously, etc.

Cheese. 
Cheese - which, by all counts originated on the Moon - comes in five common variations: stinky, slimy, melty, tasty, and rubbish. These variations often intersect in curious ways; for example, tofu. Not only is tofu stinky, slimy (if expired which is nearly impossible as will be stated below), and rubbish, it also falls under a sixth rather common category: it's old. Not aged. Old. No offense to you tofu eaters out there, but I prefer not to eat something with a shelf life of 3,718 years, 23 days, and 46 minutes. Nope.
The usefulness of cheese is also much debated in our day. In a study conducted by Pratt and Tooley, the most common (historical) use of cheese was not for culinary purposes. It was for mousetraps. If one were to intensely research the agricultural history of Ancient Egypt, one would find (two or more would find the same, just quicker) that mouse / rat infestations were prevalent. 
"They did have cats, you know," you say. This is true and false; allow me to explain. They had felines, but the social role of the cat was drastically different than it is today.
> LEGIT FACTOID WARNING! <
The goddess Bastet was thought to take the form of a cat. As such, it was illegal to kill a cat (presumably for two reasons: 1) you couldn't know if Bastet was the cat you're killing and 2) Bastet clearly liked cats. Either way it probably wasn't a good idea to get Bastet angry because 1) she's female, 2) she's a goddess, and 3) she controls cats. Nuff said.)
> END OF FACTOID. <
In light of this, the Ancient Egyptians decided to invent a mouse-catching machine so that the cats could do whatever cats do when they're not catching mice . . . Sleep, I guess. Hence the most popular use of cheese was born!


Thanks to Caroline for the suggestion of this topic, "cheese". You can read her blog here.

HMESHB - Part I

How My Essay Should Have Been
Part I
Response to "Common Sense"

I'll spare you the somewhat boring details of what I really wrote, but here's what it almost said:

"Thomas Paine's Common Sense inspired Thomas Jefferson to pen the Declaration of Independence, which would later be stolen by Ben F. Gates with the assistance of Riley Poole and Dr. Abigail Chase, to thwart the efforts of Ian Howe."

Dear me . . .
But part of me wonders what would have happened had I actually turned it in like that . . . My professor has a wicked sense of humor; she probably would have loved it!
. . . Or failed me on it.
But still . . .

Essay Entitled "Cake"

Author's Note: the following is not intended to be taken literally, seriously, etc. Any of those who take this literally, seriously, etc. will deserve any embarrassment that follows from taking this post literally, seriously, etc.

Cake.

Fascinating subject, isn't it? So many varieties, shapes, and colors that have no bearing on the flavor whatsoever so when you think you're taking a giant piece of White cake it's really Coconut cake you've got on that shiny red Chinet plate you're carrying to the table that you're going to run away from in desperate search of the bathroom when you realize your fatal error!
(No offense intended to y'all out there that like Coconut, but everyone who doesn't like it totally understands.)
Cake was invented in the Year 1, when Adam and Eve celebrated their first anniversary.
Well, it was also the first anniversary ever, so I hope the cake was nice.
But, according to recent research done by Tu Retts Inc., the cake is a lie.
Yup.
That prettiful thing your momma made on all of your birthdays, even after you moved out?
LIES.
Not that mothers would lie. They've been taken in, too.
Why is it a lie?
That . . . has yet to be determined, but most likely the research methods will be able to facilitate the appropriate experiments roughly around the same time Halo makes it to the Silver Screen. So, um, yeah, don't hold your breath.

(By the way, Caroline came up with the word "prettiful"; you can read her blog here.)